I felt trapped in my first marriage. My ex-husband was an abusive alcoholic. My life revolved around trying to manage his moods and keep myself and my children safe. I was living in survival mode. I was a stay-at-home mom, and he supported our family. I had no work skills and poor social skills. I was also suffering from battered women’s syndrome, which made me feel as if I could not survive without my abuser.
I felt completely stuck. I truly believed I would not be able to care for myself and my kids if I left him and that there was no way out. I didn’t end the relationship until I was convinced that I wouldn’t survive it and that my kids may not either. After I got out, I didn’t change anything about myself, and I quickly ended up in another toxic relationship.
Eventually, I hit a rock bottom of sorts with my co-dependency. I felt I had reached a new low and it would be the end of me if I didn’t find a new way of being. It was clear no one else was going to save me. I had to find a way to save myself. And I did. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man who supports and cares for me and I love my life.
What I Did:
I made a commitment to myself to stay single for at least one year. I needed to find out who I was on my own. I had to figure out what I was like, how I felt and behaved, and what I enjoyed when I wasn’t worrying about anyone else’s feelings, opinions, or reactions. I had to learn to depend on myself for the love, care, and affection that I needed. This was the scariest, most important, most liberating thing I have ever done in my life. I didn’t know if I could take care of myself, let alone my kids. I did know that anything had to better than enduring regular emotional and physical abuse, so the risk of whatever may happen was worth it to me.
I threw myself into learning as much as I could about co-dependency. I wanted to know how I got to where I was in life, what I could do about it, and how to keep it from happening again. For months my free time was spent reading books, researching papers, and watching YouTube videos from experts about co-dependency.
I learned to love me. There are two kinds of love. Love as an emotion and love as an action. When I first started this journey, I did not have any loving feelings toward myself. I was devastated and angry about what I had let myself and my kids go through. I felt like a failure and a terrible mother. I may not have felt love for myself, but I did not let that stop me from taking loving action for myself. My whole life I had just wanted to feel safe and taken care of. I could do that. I could keep myself safe through better choices. I could push myself every day to take better care of myself. Self-care became my top priority. The better I did at meeting my needs and showing up for myself, the more the feeling of love for myself started to grow. Now, I am totally and completely in love with myself and know I will always do what is best for me.
I found a purpose in life outside of myself. For years I had been so wrapped up in just trying to survive that I had nothing to give to society. When I began to get back on my feet and function decently, finding a way to serve others gave meaning to my life that kept me motivated to keep going on the hard days. It helped me to get out of my own head and see the bigger picture.
I made promises to myself. I set healthy boundaries in the form of promises to myself. I promised to be completely authentic in my relationships, never trying to change or hide anything about myself to please someone else. I promised to let anyone get close to me that did not show me the respect I deserved. I promised to put the physical, mental, and emotional safety of my children and myself before anything else. I promised to communicate my needs clearly and often. I promised to walk away from any situations that do not align with my high sense of self-worth.
After taking the time to get to know who I was when I was single, educating myself about co-dependency, embracing self-love, finding a constructive way to contribute to society, and making promises to myself that would keep me safe my life has completely changed. I feel strong and empowered and know that I can care for myself and handle anything I need to on my own.