I must remember that what I am doing is a practice. My efforts to write this book must be the fruit of my practice. The practice has to come first for it to work and it can’t be rushed. I hope that with time I am better able to naturally appreciate the practices for what they are themselves rather than as a means of an end. I do appreciate them, but the appreciation takes a conscious effort.
It is often hard for me to stay in the moment and keep my focus on the practice itself, such as staying mindful of my breath or visualizing my desires, without my mind drifting to the benefit or outcome I am hoping to achieve by practicing. I try to remind myself that each time I bring my attention back to the practice, back to the present moment, I am strengthening that skill and it will become easier.
I felt like I was doing pretty good with my meditation practice today. I relaxed and focused on drawing energy up my spine from my Root with each breath in, then breathing it out my heart. I let my breath return to normal. I took time to sense where my body was in space and let everything else fall away. I should have stopped and stayed in that weightless, empty, silent space for a while, but I went quickly into visualizing. I could see myself writing. I could sense words flowing easily to me. I could feel the presence of all the people who would want to learn through those words. But it happened so swiftly and then I felt the urge to write.
Should I ignore the urge and try to return to the visualization? Should I take the urge as guidance for divine right action and act immediately? I chose to act because I have learned to listen to my urges and feel that they are guidance, but I did so with a guilty feeling that I was doing something wrong.
I began to write this entry with no idea what I would say or where it was going, only that it was time to write. As I write, the purpose of the entry becomes a bit clearer to me. It is that feeling of guilt that I need to explore now. Oh, and the title…it sounds like a rule, doesn’t it? It is an expectation. My first paragraph, as well. Rules and expectation of what I should be doing and how it should work.
The truth is I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what the right way to practice is. That is the whole point. I need to figure out the right practice for me. Not what I have been told is right. Not what I can find in the books and their suggestions. I need to find what works and is best for me. Then I need to share that journey so I can help others feel free to find what is right for them.
The people I am researching have no more knowledge or ability than me. They just came up with their way of doing things and shared it. I don’t have to listen to their ideas as if they are rules. I need to see what inspires me, act on that inspiration, and see what happens. When I get the urge to act, of course I need to listen! So what if it is in the middle of meditating or self-Reiki? The urge is what I am really seeking with those tools anyway.
So, yes, I need to practice, practice, practice. But what I need to practice is being aware the urges to take action and listening to them. I need to keep learning and growing and finding my own way. That is the practice.